


it might as well be spring

by Anonymous



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ash Lynx Lives, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, POV Third Person, Unhealthy Relationships, Very small mentions of Blanca and Sing, dubcon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-23 16:02:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30057993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: After Eiji goes back to Japan, Ash goes to the house of Yut Lung Lee. Full of sorrow from the loss he takes up shelter with the man who had been so focused on his destruction.
Relationships: Lee Yut-Lung/Ash Lynx
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7
Collections: Anonymous





	it might as well be spring

**Author's Note:**

> I originally wrote this as a few short snippets of a fic that I had no intentions of ever expanding to full length but here this is ! Their dynamic is so interesting to me and I hope I can explore it more in the future so this is just me dipping my toes in and testing the waters. Please mind the tags and let me know if there's anything that should be tagged. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this <3

It had been a week since Eiji left for Japan. 

  


New York truly was the city that never slept. Cars honked incessantly on the streets and tourists chatted excitedly on the streets. It was exactly the same as Ash had seen it every night he’d been in the city. 

  


If he happened to have any good memories of the landscape around him, it felt those had been stripped away with the departure of Eiji. There was so much he was able to rebuild during his time with him and now the memories had crumbled again.

  


He had always hated the city from the moment he was forced there. He couldn’t recall many positive memories of anything there, and anything he could was overweighed by the hell he was made to live in. 

  


Eiji had made everything more bearable. He thought maybe he could find peace in this city someday, if he was there with him . 

  


But he was back in Japan where he belonged.. Most everyone would agree with that sentiment. He didn’t belong in the violent world of New York. The violence and grime of the city’s underbelly was nothing like his life before he came. Ash couldn’t help but feel guilt for pushing so much onto that man. He came to get away from the stuffy atmosphere of his home country and returned with trauma he should have never had. Ash kicked up a gathering of broken sidewalk under his foot and went on his way.

  


He was headed to the only place he could think of that had no communication to his gang. He cared for them, more than the average gang leader would feel towards their boys, but he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t face them right now, not when he was still vulnerable from loss.

  


Instead he walked to the other end of Manhattan. He knew in his mind there was no good way this would turn out. He shouldn’t be doing this. But his feet continued to pace forward without any input from his mind. He was never one to hope for death, to look for opportunities for it to come to him and take him away, but he wasn’t particularly worried about the risks of anything right now. 

  


He continued his pace through the crowds and past the stores until he made it to a large building that was fairly secluded for being in the city, and knocked.

  


Seconds after he brought his fist to the door, the small intercom box on the side of the entrance caught his attention. Mentally hitting himself for allowing himself to be so observant he pressed the button on the right side of it. 

  


“This is Ash Lynx. I’m here to see Yut Lung.”

  
  
  
  


The door was opened by what Ash assumed to be a more senior member of the staff. He was visibly older and had a face that gave no clues as to what he could be thinking. 

  


At first Ash was surprised at the immediate entry. Surely they would know how the two felt about each other and that Ash was bound to have a weapon on his person. So why would they let him enter ? His eyes were drawn to the shotgun on the guard’s right hip. So that’s why. If he tried anything they were all ready to go after him. But would they be fast enough to come to their master’s rescue ? Ash was glad he wouldn’t be testing that today. 

  


He walked forward into the foyer on the marble floor. Clearly the floors were well maintained because if he looked down he could see the outline of his head in the white marble. He continued to what seemed to be the only flight of stairs. He was sure that a house like this was full of hidden rooms and secluded entrances but there was no point in rummaging through more than he had to. 

  


He walked on the sides of the stairs to minimize any potential creaking, a habit he couldn’t shake. At the top he was greeted to a hallway with doors covering the length on both sides. It made sense, there were once a lot more people who may need to be here so of course there would be rooms for all of them. None of them particularly stood out to him so he knocked on every one. What was the worst that could happen ? Unless there had been a sudden change in occupancy, the boy he was looking for would be the only one on this floor. 

  


Finally he got a response from one of his knocks. A very clearly displeased voice was being directed at him from behind the wood, so he turned the handle to walk in. 

  


Unlocked. Not the safest option for the last remaining member of the largest Chinese crime family, but Yut had never seemed the type to care too much about his personal safety from what Ash had seen of him. 

  
  
  
  


Yut Lung’s face quickly shifted from looking peeved to a face that resembled a cat that finally spotted the mouse they’ve heard running about. 

  


“Oh it’s you,  _ Ash.  _ What brings you here ?” The smirk on his face spread further as he said this, maybe he thought this was finally his chance to declare war against the gang leader. He must;ve known that Eiji had left, leaving this the perfect opportunity to start the mission he’d been looking forward to for so long.

  


Ash knew how the young man played his games. He could tell exactly what he was thinking this encounter meant. All the anger from the days began to come to the surface. This was all his fault. He was probably thrilled right now, smiling like a cat that got the cream. He couldn’t stand knowing that Yut Lung had gotten what he wanted while he had to suffer now, finally given a taste of love that was pulled out from under him. Suddenly he realized he couldn’t keep his promise to Blanca.

  


With no words Ash lunged forward at the boy, aiming to grab at his wrist first as if he were going to sprain it. Yut Lung let out a yell as he moved towards him, clearly surprised at how this was transpiring. They fought for a short while after this, with Ash having the upper hand the entire time and the younger man just trying his best to defend himself. Ash wasn’t even sure what he was attempting to do. He didn’t have any weapons on his person besides the gun he always had in the lining of his pants and he didn’t really want to  _ kill _ him. When he would look back on this that night, he would feel a horrible feeling in his chest. He hated how his first impulse in the situation was to attack him, even if he might have deserved it.

  


As predictable as they were, the Lee servants came rushing quickly after they heard the noises from their master. 

  


There was now a semicircle of armed guns all pointed at the two of them. They were unable to shoot because of how close the two were. They were all completely unwilling to take the risk of killing the master themselves even if it meant he may be killed by the intruder they let in. 

  


Ash detached himself from the boy and stood with his arms up. Surrendering to the crowd. Now that he was of no immediate threat to their master they looked over to him for instructions. The young man shook his head to signal them off. As the guards left, placing their guns back in their holsters and fixing the cuffs of their tang suits, Ash stood facing Yut Lung. 

  


“Now that that’s settled, what brings you here Ash Lynx.?” He sneered a bit as he said his name, the tones of the fake street name sounding wrong on the tongue of a man like Yut Lung, refined and proper, not someone who would be caught with a street gang leader in the minds of the average person. 

  


The question itself was leaving Ash at a loss for words. What could he say ? There was nothing he could reply with that wouldn't start another argument between the two, and if he said it was because of Eiji that would only lead to Yut Lung being  _ more _ smug than he already seemed to be. 

  


“I have nothing to do anymore, you know that.” It was clearly a lie, he could go back to doing mundane things with the gang. Being involved in the regular fights and conflicts that came with it but after banana fish, after what they both had seen it seemed like it was impossible to go back. They had both seen unspeakable things during their lifetimes. Things no one should have to see, especially someone so young, but being privy to a government conspiracy would make any other conflict pale in comparison. 

  


“Well, why don’t you stay here then. I’m sure you noticed how much empty space there is.” 

  


Ash couldn't bring himself to decline the offer. 

  


  


From that day Ash began to spend a majority of his time at the Lee estate. They didn’t talk much after the agreement was made, they preferred to keep to themselves. It was a good thing for Ash, who spent most of his early days scoping out the environment for exits and tracing what paths the servants took during the day. He found out where they stayed and where most of the doors lead to, just in case he had to put the information to use one day. He didn’t expect them to be incompetant, he would never underestimate the staff of a massively influential family that way, but he was surprised that they were able to spot him at times where he thought he was sneaking around without a trace. 

  


He noticed Sing would come around every few days. Even heard him ask Yut Lung about him once, probably suspicious he had something to do with his disappearance. He wasn’t wrong, but Yut didn’t seem to want him to know that so he breezed off the question with a simple dismissal. 

  


It almost seemed to him that maybe Yut Lung was unaware of his presence too. He never went looking for him and he seemed to be very careful at not allowing the two of them to cross paths in any of the hallways. If he ever sensed someone following behind him as he walked, he could never be sure if it was a serious threat or just Yut trying to avoid eye contact by staying behind him. Couldn’t run into someone if you followed them from behind. 

  


“How’ve you been liking it here  _ Lynx”  _ Clearly he was wrong in his assumption. 

  


“Why are you letting me stay?” There was no point in enabling the small talk. His guard had been down for too long. Since when would the notorious  _ Ash Lynx  _ let himself stay in the home of one of his enemies for so long. 

  


“Why not ? It’s been so lonely around here and there’s so much space of course I’d let you stay.” He had a smirk sitting on his face as he replied to Ash, but he couldn’t tell if it was from malice or if maybe that was just his default. 

  


He should care. He should have never taken up in the house of a man who was out to kill the person he cared so much about. He should take advantage of this opportunity. Stab him in the middle of the night when he’s asleep or shoot him in the afternoon when he’s lounging on that plush couch of his. He knew he couldn’t though. There wasn’t much he could bring himself to care about anymore in the situation he was in. 

  


Neither one of them really did much during the day. One of the most powerful and influential gang leaders in New York City and the last living son of the infamous Lee family should be out doing whatever their roles called for yet the two of them seemed to spend the majority of their days lounging the estate. There wasn’t really much  _ to  _ do if they weren’t looking for it. Sing was taking care of Chinatown for the most part due to the reputation of Yut-Lung and for Ash, he had people to cover his jobs. He didn’t ever crave the lifestyle he had lived for so long. It had been a decent escape from the stuffy hell that was Golzine’s place but he didn’t have a good time doing it like some of his boys might’ve. 

  


There wasn’t much for him to do in the building but read, luckily Yut-Lung had a fair collection of books throughout the property. Although most of them were business related and not novels they would have to do. There were a few about slightly more interesting topics hidden about, like the ones on the effects of pressure points on the body, which Ash was already well versed in, and on different poisons and harmful substances for the body. He ended up getting through all of them eventually. 

  


He came to wonder if he’d ever have to put this new knowledge to use. Or if he’d die with the knowledge only in his mind after it was used against him. 

  
  
  


Ash picked up on the younger man’s drinking habit very quickly once he got situated in the environment. It was hard to miss, even for someone considerably less attentive than he was. 

  


He wasn’t drinking  _ constantly  _ but it was certainly more than a 17 year old should be intaking. He had what Ash assumed to be 500 dollar plus bottles sitting on his side table occasionally. In front of that darn lounge he was on all the time. He would drink the most before and after Sing’s near daily visits, probably to make them more bearable. 

  


The man must not have been used to actually working much towards anything but destroying his life for the past few months because even the task of fixing his own part of the city seemed to be too much for him. Sing’s visits got shorter and shorter. Less and less frequent. In the end he did most of the work himself and only consulted with Yut Lung as more of a formality than anything. 

  


Judging from how much and how often he drank it wasn’t hard to determine that he had been at this for a while. Maybe not even for a year at that point, but it was enough to give him withdrawal if he stopped, no doubt. Ash didn’t say anything. He was already bitchy enough with the alcohol, he didn’t even want to think about what he’d be like going through withdrawal. 

  


In the shower that night he thought about it. Maybe if things had been different, he wouldn’t have minded helping the younger man. 

  
  


There were some days where the atmosphere was very peaceful in the estate. Over the weeks there was more communication and occasionally they would both be in the same room together.

There was a nice common room around the back of the estate that was often used for these times. The bookshelves lining one of the walls hosted books on various disciplines and focuses and a set of loveseats were carefully placed in the center. . 

  


It would typically start with Yut Lung on the longer seat sitting straight up as he focused on the game of Xiangqi on the low table in front of him. Ash would join however long into his stay and settle on the free seat. When he first came to look at the selection in the shelves there had been few, if any at all, fiction novels. Instead there were plentiful readings on herbs and effects of certain plants on the human body. However there seemed to be a growing amount of them every time he looked. 

  


Yut Lung wasn’t much of a reader as Ash had come to find out. He preferred to spend his time playing Xiangqi when he was there instead. The board he used seemed to be made of the highest quality materials it could be, nothing like the sets one might find in a specialty store even. The repetitive plunking of the pieces onto the board was something Ash had learned to tune out over time. Now it was just background noise for the otherwise silent room.

  
  
  


Yut Lung was walking down the hall just as Ash had been leaving to take a shower. Clearly he had just returned from the shower room, his hair still had droplets of moisture in it and there was a soft cream colored robe wrapped around his figure. As Ash looked at the boy walking by he noticed the fit of the robe. It seemed much too big for him. 

  


It was as if he were wearing a robe made for someone else. It was wrapped tighter than the strings on either side would allow, forcing him to hold it tighter around his body. Surely he would have enough money to purchase a properly fitting one or maybe even get one done custom ? Or perhaps it wasn’t meant to be that way from the start. 

  


As he stood under the stream of lukewarm water his mind drifted back to the scene again. He spent the length of his shower worrying for a boy he should have been hating. 

  
  
  
  
  


The nights were much different from when he was with Eiji

  


He always felt warm coming back to him. It reminded him of how a husband must feel coming back to their spouse after a day at the office. He was no office worker, and Eiji was no housewife, but he allowed himself to have that illusion of normalcy every once and a while in his mind. 

The warmth and security was ripped away from him most nights while he slept. Even with Eiji around he would never feel secure. The memories and horrors of his past were always there. They didn’t have to get past the security in the front hall or break down the penthouse door to make it to him when they were lurking in his mind all day. 

  


If they wouldn’t even spare him when he was with Eiji it was no shock they continued to torment him in the Lee estate. In fact, it seemed like they were getting worse. Any ones he had while living with Eiji spiraled and morphed into even more horrific visions. He was fortunate enough to not experience them every night but the severity more than made up for it. 

  


There were nights where a recurring vision appeared to him. Fortunately it was not another reenactment of a particular horror of his past. Yet, it was something that Ash could understand but not place the symbolism for. 

  


In these dreams he always began standing in the locomotive of a train. One of the old ones with the decorative carpet and plush seats. Watching the workers shovel coal into the train’s engine continuously, he spaces out. It’s always then when the rush of the dream comes in and he feels the irresistible urge to run. He runs through the train cars and though he has no goal in his mind he feels like he’s supposed to be looking for someone. All the people sitting in the booths are obscured by the speed at which he’s running until he reaches a cart that is particularly full. Full of faces he knows but can’t place. Their eyes are soulless and hollow as they all charge towards him. Every time he has this dream it ends in his death. 

  


Far from the horrible visions he has of his abusers, or the dreams he has of reaching out to his mother, but it always shakes him up just the same. Dreams like this one stick with him the most. He’s experienced anything else a dream could throw at him, but something like this ? Something that his mind conjures up out of scraps of former memories, that would stick with him into the sunrise.

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


They had been in Yue’s room the whole evening. It had been a quiet day of nothing. His bay window was propped open and the cool breeze of the city flowed through. The faintest light of the moon shone through the clouds that night. 

  


This kind of thing didn’t happen between the two of them. There were always those days where they would be together in the common rooms of the house but there was an unspoken line between them they had never crossed. Going into the private room of the other was never something they seeked. 

  


In the quiet of the room Ash had time to think about a lot of things. How his life had changed from the chaos to whatever this could be described. And how the city was now too, but not much changed for the masses. 

  


The city had calmed down. Yue eventually came around to the idea of fixing Chinatown. Now he begrudgingly worked with Sing most days on restoring the peace. It was hard on him, Ash could tell. It was nice he made an effort now though

  


In this moment, they felt like maybe they could breath. 

  


There were hardly chances to relax the mind for people like them. Growing up the way they did would always lead them to being on edge. Even if they knew they were safe in their minds the experience from their lives thus far would scream at them to stay on edge. 

  


So they just sat. Words unspoken and room silent aside from the soft whoosh of an area heater.

  


Breaking the fog of silence, Yue gently pushed himself off of the plush comforter and pattered over to the open window. 

  


Yue’s hair shone in the light of the moon. The breeze picked it up and carried it for a small moment then dropped it back where it came from, as if it was a leaf in the wind. Ash couldn’t help but think he looked so beautiful then. 

  


Despite everything he had done to shatter his life, to yank him away from his love he really  _ did  _ look like Eiji in this moment. He had heard Shorter say it when they first met. 

  


He thought it was nonsense. Probably just Shorter thinking the young man was cute or something. He saw it that night though. He had no room to admire beauty then, he had been suspicious of him since the second he saw him. But now, with his intentions revealed and aired out there was nothing left to judge. Anything he could’ve thought had been thought and tossed around in his mind for days. 

  


All he could think about now was truly how beautiful he was. 

  


Ash followed in his steps. Walking softly to the open space behind him.

  


They were both looking out to the bustling city in front of them then. One they knew all too well, inside and out. The picturesque, tourist attraction sides and the ugly sides that would make the average person run as far away as they would get from the city and then some. 

  


From his position behind Yue, the taller man wrapped his arms around his waist. He carefully pushed past the limbs already resting on his sides to make way for his own and stayed there. He wouldn’t expect to be able to hold him like this. Yet, tonight something seemed to be different. The Chinese man had had this sentimental look in his eyes all evening, one that Ash could identify. For the months he spent against him he would have never taken him to be someone he could understand so deeply and truly. He didn’t like to feel pity. It was only natural to not feel it when he was so disgusted at people feeling it for him. But when he thought of Yue there was the slightest bit of sympathy that evaded his vision and blurred it. 

  


They were never really that different and both of them knew it.

  


They stood like that for a while. Ash’s head on his shoulder and Yue looking forward like he couldn’t even feel it. 

  


* * *

The morning after they kissed. They had woken up with Yue on the bed and Ash with his head resting on the lower edge of the mattress, sitting upwards but rested all the same. 

  


Yue moved himself downwards towards the other man and got off the bed only to sit down next to him. It seemed out of his character for Ash but when he went in for a kiss there wasn’t much he could think about. Their mouths both tasted bitter from the hours of sleep but it didn’t matter. The kiss was short lived, Ash walked away as soon as he was released. Wiping away at his lips he entered the ensuite and didn’t leave until he heard the click of the bedroom door close shut with regret. 

  
  


* * *

  


The atmosphere of the environment wasn’t always as peaceful as it was on the good days. Both of them had days where the grief of the past couldn’t be ignored. The scabs of the past never healed over leaving the skin vulnerable and open for attack.

  


Sometimes it started with a snide comment about Eiji. Other times it was Ash mentioning the help he received from Blanca. No matter what it was they could be at each other’s throats for days after. 

  


There was so much baggage that couldn’t be opened. The impact would be shattering, too much to handle. And so it stayed on the floors. In the rafters and on the walls. In their heads and in their hearts until the gold snaps burst open and they rushed to stuff everything back in. 

  


Ash broke his fair share of fine china over the days. The immaculate designs shattered into dozens of pieces on the hardwood floor, a mess for the servants to clean as the two would continue to fight. 

  
  
  


“In the end, this is your fault ! I wouldn’t be here if you weren’t such a jealous bitch Yut Lung” Ash was screaming as the other man was seated half upright on the carpeted floor. Tears began to fill his waterline as he looked down, evading the jade colored eyes above him.

  


“And now you’re crying ! Can’t even handle the truth, can you? I’m out, maybe I’ll see you in a few days, Yut Lung.” Ash stomped out of the room, the palms of Yut’s hands were shaking lightly with the vibrations of the floor. 

  


Through his tears he tried to get something back at Ash

  


“This is my house anyway ! You better get out of here, I don’t wan-” He tried to scream back a response. To say anything back instead of just taking it but his throat closed up mid way with tears. He flopped over to his side, not bothering to get up onto a better surface, and cried listening to the thumping noise of shoes in the entryway. 

  


* * *

It didn’t even take 3 days for Ash to show back up to the estate. It was very early morning as the guards reluctantly opened the premises for the man, allowing him to walk back to the hall where he had been staying for the past few months. 

  


It took him about a second of being in the room before he changed his mind and decided there was somewhere else he should be. There wasn’t a plan in his mind as he approached the closed door of the young man, pushing open the unlocked handle he stepped foot into the room. 

  


The man looked much worse than how he had left him. His face seemed sullen and his skin wasn’t as clear as he had seen it before. His eyes were drawn to the bottles of wine littering the side table and the floor underneath it. 

  


He had really hoped this wouldn’t have happened. Wishfully he had thought maybe he was done with the drinking for good. He hadn’t been indulging in it as much recently and he was foolish for thinking than could hold up. 

  


“You’re not even going to say a word to me?”

  


It was a mistake to go back to him but what other choice did he have. Ash turned his back to Yue and left the room. 

  
  


* * *

They had taken up residence in one of the spare rooms again. The tense atmosphere from their fight never dissipated and weighed them down in the confined space. There was another force playing at them though. Both of them were longing for something. There was only one way they would be able to get it. 

  


From opposite sides of the couch they began to shift to the middle over time.Maybe being on the same couch in the first place was a mistake. 

  


At about an hour after their arrival they had gone from opposite ends to almost sitting on each other. Mindlessly, Ash lifted his hand off the book he had been reading and onto the silky mop of black hair resting on his chest. He knew exactly what reaction he would get in return and still moved his palm further down.

  


The moment he did this the black haired man shot up like he had been slapped. 

  


Yue swatted his hand away. “Don’t touch my hair”

  


Ash grabbed the base of his hair style and pulled him back to him on the couch.

  


Despite his verbal disagreement with the action, Yue didn’t fight it . So his hands went right back to the now mess of hair as if they were magnetic poles.

  


“Please, stop” A soft, pathetic plea from the man below him was heard. Such a pitiful response to simply having his hair touched would seem to an outsider like an overreaction. Ash understood though, He knew why this was so painful to the younger man. He didn’t stop though, he hated that it even spurred him on a little. 

  


He heard the telltale noise of a sharp inhale. Yue had started to cry. 

  


Ash continued to weave his fingers through the man’s hair. Catching on certain sections from time to time and moving on again. Drawing patterns on the scalp before moving down again. 

  


He could feel the black haired man shaking. With fear or anger he didn’t know, but he didn’t stop. 

  


If he had been in a normal state of mind maybe he wouldn’t have taken pleasure in hurting Yue like this. That time alone gave him the space to really reflect on Eiji going back to Japan. If it weren’t for his man he could be happy. Not the neutral feelings he felt during his days these past few months, nor the small bursts of the feeling he got with Yue but a true love. The only surviving person to see him as more than an enemy, more than an object of lust and power was taken away from him by this trembling figure next to him. 

  


Standing up abruptly, he pushed the black haired man’s head onto the cushions of the couch aggressively. And he left the room again. 

  
  
  
  


* * *

He couldn’t help but notice Yut Lung’s appearance. Despite his sour attitude he really was beautiful. His long black hair was what drew most people’s attention but what Ash really noticed was his eyes. They appeared a deep black color from a distance but if the light reflected onto them the true violet color came out. 

  


The full length mirror at the corner of the large room was where the long haired man was headed. He walked towards it as if he was in a trance, even unaware of the presence of someone else in the room. 

He looked into the mirror with a frantic expression as he lifted the damp locks of hair forward from his back. Once they were pulled to the front he seemed to still a bit but he continued to stare into the mirror. Looking for someone that had left him years ago. 

  


Ash felt like he understood Yut Lung a bit more after that, as he slinked away through the open double doors. 

  
  


* * *

There was a greenhouse on the property. It was secluded by a gathering of trees to the side of the yard, but it was there. Yut Lung went off to it sometimes during the day. It shouldn’t be surprising given his familiarity with plants, but Ash still wouldn’t have expected he continued with this after the death of his brothers. 

  


He seemed to have a genuine interest in the plants he grew in there. From what Ash could observe he spent the time watering and tending to them all. It seemed like nonsense to Ash, what more could there be to maintaining plants other than watering but it kept the younger man busy. 

  


Someday Yut Lung let him into the greenhouse with him. The sun shone through the glass walls and ceiling of the structure and reflected off them and every other surface in there. The shelves lined the whole of the small building, covered entirely in pots of herbs and other suspicious looking plants.

  


One pot in particular caught Ash’s attention. He was no stranger to the orange, bell shaped plant at the far end of one of the expansive shelves. He shouldn’t have been surprised at all to know Yut Lung had this one particular flower in his selection but it brought back some feelings he had been trying to suppress. 

  


It wasn’t something Ash could have ever seen himself enjoying months ago. Walking around a room of flowers in total silence reminded him of the formal events he had been forced to attend. Yet when he was with Yut Lung then, it seemed more like he was taking part in something with someone he cared about. 

  


* * *

  


Yue had been off all day. More than usual.

  


He was more avoidant and drank even more than he normally did. Any progress he had made towards knocking that drinking habit of his had been reversed, maybe even worsened. 

  


Ash couldn’t tell if he should feel guilt about it or not. 

  


Something was really off this time though. He knew something would happen. He prepared for another outburst, maybe it would come if his steps were too loud this time instead of an actual conversation. Maybe it wouldn’t be for something so minimal but he walked on eggshells all day just in case. 

  


He didn’t expect to be woken up in the middle of the night with the man hovering over him, straddling his legs and looking down at him with an expression somewhere in the wide gap between predator and shy first timer. 

  


“Shhhh Ash. I need this, you know I do. You’re the only one, the only one who could know” 

  


Any remaining fogginess he may have had lingering from sleep cleared up then. His heart was pounding in his chest and he knew he should push him off. But he couldn’t. He felt stuck in place. Not from whatever acupuncture Yue had been trained in but instead his own body was betraying him. He couldn’t bring his arms to move around his hips to move him off so he laid back again. His instinct was the only thing he lived on for so long and now that it was so out of practice he wasn’t sure he could trust it. 

  


He did though. His mind agreed too. Even if he hadn’t said it he knew what the subtext was of what he said,  _ You’re the only one who could understand.  _

  


He was right. No one else could understand why he thought it was okay to approach someone in the middle of the night like this. He did though. As he leaned in to kiss him there was no doubt that there was no one else that could do this for him. 

  


He could absolve any guilt he felt by doing this for him. It was the way he had been conditioned from his youth and he knew that. Perhaps Yue was seeking the apology he had been looking for from Ash in the form of sex or maybe he was trying to pay Ash back for who knows what. Either way he was drawn from his thoughts by Yue moving down on him. 

  


After that there wasn’t much he remembered.

  


In the morning he felt gross in a way he hadn’t felt in a long time. His legs were bare and he could feel the nauseating feeling of dried semen on his chest, underneath his shirt. 

  


For just a second the feelings of disgust were muddled by the surprise he felt at seeing Yue still in the bed with him. He had tear tracks on the cheek that was visible but he seemed to be clothed otherwise. Ash wouldn’t have expected him to  _ stay  _ after this. Men always seemed to be in a hurry to get out of his presence in his past experiences. Sure the situations were different, but clearly he had been wrong in assuming Yue would be the same. 

  


He grabbed his boxers from under the plush sheets and a shirt he had hanging around and walked to the shower room. Standing under the stream of water he thought about how they could come back to any semblance of normalcy from this.

  



End file.
